This afternoon in this room, from this chair (in which I am not allowed to sit), I testified before my master. I answered his questions truthfully, including questions about the couch and my private life, questions no dog would ever want to answer. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions.

As you know, in January, I was asked questions about destroying the couch cushion. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information because dogs cannot actually speak.

Indeed, I did destroy the cushion and that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely not responsible, because I am a dog.

I know that my silence about this matter gave a false impression. I can only tell you I was motivated by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. But it is private, and it's nobody's business but mine. Even dogs have private lives. Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on. So, it is with no sense of regret that I now resign as a dog ... you mastards.