This afternoon in this room, from this chair (in which I am
not allowed to sit), I testified before my master. I answered
his questions truthfully, including questions about the couch
and my private life, questions no dog would ever want to answer.
Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions.
As you know, in January, I was asked questions about destroying
the couch cushion. While my answers were legally accurate, I did
not volunteer information because dogs cannot actually speak.
Indeed, I did destroy the cushion and that was not appropriate.
In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment
and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely
not responsible, because I am a dog.
I know that my silence about this matter gave a false impression.
I can only tell you I was motivated by a desire to protect myself
from the embarrassment of my own conduct. But it is private, and
it's nobody's business but mine. Even dogs have private lives.
Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on. So, it
is with no sense of regret that I now resign as a dog ... you